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Here at Sneaker Report, we know how to appreciate the past. Ever since the basketball shoe came to be in 1907, human performance has evolved into faster records, higher jumps, and unforeseen levels of play. This dissection of the past prompted a larger discussion: How would history have been different if this high level of performance sneakers had always existed? What if they had been invented alongside the wheel four millennia before Christ? What if our forefathers had gotten to choose between Newton and Mizuno when seeking a lightweight kick for neutral runners? What if the Cold War had been fought in Arc'teryx and The North Face?
You get it, in this Back to the Future experience, we found out things would have been a lot different. Take a look back with us for 10 Moments in Human History Where Better Sneakers Would Have Been Helpful.
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1200 BC – Achilles Would Have Had Hightops
Achilles: the greatest warrior in The Illiad, hero of Trojan War, and dude with one strange-ass flaw. The only way you can die is if you get hit in the back of the foot with an arrow? That’s almost as ridiculous as those guys who claim they are better at playing beer pong when they are drunk. All Achilles had to do was don some Hyperposites and he would have lived to a ripe old age, despite his proclivity for battle and (judging by every single statue of him) nakedness.
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490 BC – Better PR for Pheidippides at the Battle of Marathon
Pheidippides … you’ve heard of Pheidippides, right? No? Okay, well he’s the dude who was supposed to have run 175 miles in three days (including 26 miles at the end, hence “marathon”) only to collapse and die after telling his fellow Athenians they won the Battle of Marathon. If sneakers were around, he still probably would have died, because that is one long-ass run. Also, let’s face it. This story has probably seen as much exaggeration as your uncle’s high school athletic glory days. That’s probably why they called it “the marathon” rather than “the Pheidippides”, because the dude was a liar and didn’t deserve to have a race named after him. Maybe a fast set of kicks was all he needed.
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500 AD – King Arthur Would Have Found out about Lancelot and Guinevere Immediately
If sneakers had existed, Guinevere would have said something like, “Hey Lancelot, nice sneakers.” and Lancelot would have been like, “Thanks.” Arthur totally would have sensed that something was going on and told him not to come around the Round Table anymore. And he definitely wouldn’t have let him housesit Camelot while he was away on business.
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1337-1453 – The Hundred Years War Goes On Even Longer
The Hundred Years War actually lasted for one hundred-sixteen years. It lasted so long people got sick of counting. I mean … damn. But if there had been sneakers, people would have really been in this thing for the long haul, complete with commemorative colorways and performance upgrades to follow the seasons. The war ended because England just got sick of trying to take over France. We feel like they could have held out at least a little longer if their feet were kept comfortable. Either way, Joan of Arc would have been burned at the stake because men can’t handle being beaten by women at anything … then or now.
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1492 – Native Americans Would Have Been Fast on Their Feet with Columbus … Repeat Strategy with Pilgrims, Colonists etc.
The Native American’s biggest problem, just like the biggest romantic problem of your kid cousin Steve, is that they were too nice. Often, when someone came to America, the “Indians” gave them the benefit of the doubt. They often greeted explorers with gifts and advice. They often gave food to the hungry and aid to the weak as they struggled in a harsh new land. How did Europeans, and later Americans, repay them? They returned the favor with deception, theft, and slaughter. They should have skipped all the welcoming the new neighbors and just run as fast as they could in the other direction in the fastest running kicks out there.
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1686 – Sir Isaac Newton Never Discovers Gravity
One day, sneaker-namesake Sir Isaac Newton got winded and sat down under an apple tree. An apple falls on his head, and, suddenly, we have gravity. If the dude had just kept in shape, he wouldn’t have had to catch his breath under so many fruit trees. If he hadn’t taken a break beneath those branches, we wouldn’t have discovered gravity and all of us would be able to dunk a basketball. Thanks a lot, Isaac.
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1775 – Paul Revere’s Midnight Run Would Have Been a Total Failure
Despite the advice of his loving wife that “perhaps he’d best take his steed”, Paul Revere insists on running to warn to the colonists instead, as he is fiercely proud of his new PureConnects. Instead of making it from Boston to Lexington, his trip lasts from Boston to suburban Boston before he gets winded and can go no further. The British win the Revolutionary War and Revere is in the dog house with his wife for “many a fortnight.”
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1805 – Napoleon proclaims himself “Hypebeast of France”
Instead of all that conquering, Napoleon’s immense ego is satisfied by his immense sneaker collection, which includes unseen samples of the Yeezy 4 and multiple French inspired collabs. His Jordan’s assist him in wooing Josephine. His AF1's gain him the respect of his people and admiration of his enemies. Long story short, he feels pretty good about himself as a result and feels no need to do all that senseless war stuff.
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1820 – Davy Crockett Sleeps With Even More Women Due to “Coonskin Sneakers”
Davy Crockett already had the sickest headwear in human history, having worn a dead raccoon on his dome. But, imagine what his powers of seduction would have been if he had matching shoes. Any self-respecting sneakerhead knows the power of sneakers with a matching fitted, and, just think about if both contained fur from a small rodent. Let’s just say that the Alamo wouldn’t be the only thing all the ladies remembered.
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1865 – Not Much Changes in the Civil War
Sneakers made a big difference before firearms, because you can outrun a sword. But, as guns got better and better, the only use of sneakers in battle became being tossed over telephone wires to mark your turf. The Civil War saw the beginning of many modern war trends, including semi-automatic weapons and submarines. So high performance kicks no longer can help you outrun fate, but soldiers could have been alot more comfortable amid wartimes. The only major difference in a “sneakered” world is that, while Lincoln still gets shot, John Wilkes Booth sticks the landing on the stage of Ford’s Theatre, rather than stumbling.
