1.
Those of you out there who hit the gym on the regular have seen unspeakable things. You’ve witnessed the vein-popping bro, grunting loudly, as dreams of MMA celebrity dance through his head. You have glimpsed the girl ready to hit the club, practically wearing stilettos on the treadmill. You have scrutinized the lazy-ass broad in pajama pants, eating a ham sandwich, reading US Weekly while talking to her friend on the next machine. Maybe you have even seen a grown man bathe himself in the locker room sink (NOTE TO SELF: don’t attempt to save money by going to gyms run by the NYC Parks Department). But, sometimes, when you take a moment to look in those floor-to-ceiling mirrors, once you’ve finished admiring your form, you may realize that you have committed the same sins of fitness you criticize in others. That’s why we’re here to help. Here are Sneaker Report’s 10 Things You Should Never Bring to the Gym.
RELATED: Masterlock Goes Digital
RELATED: The 10 Best Ways To Get Girls to Notice You at the Gym
2.
1. Your Facebook Status
We are so glad that you have committed to fitness. We are happy that you feel great after the gym. We think it is wonderful that you are excited to go to hit the gym after work. Just don’t tell us about it on the internet. The only thing more boring than hearing about your time at the gym is the photos you take of the food you ate after your workout with a caption reading “I deserve it.” Stay dedicated. Get in shape. And, please, keep it to yourself.
2. Your Game
Women do not want to be hit on at the gym. We repeat. Women do not want to be hit on at the gym. The gym is a private public space. It is probably the only time in their day when they have some peace and quiet. It may be the only time in their day when they aren’t being hit on by morons as well. Don’t jeopardize that for them. Heed our warning or your conversation may go something like this. “So, come here often?” “Yes, I have a membership, you idiot.”
3. Your “Going Out” Clothes
The impulse to “get swoll” before a night out is a hard one to resist. Trust us, adding a sixteenth of an inch to your bicep is not going to make or break your one-night stand chances. If you’ve had the misfortune of going to the gym on a Friday night, you know exactly what we’re talking about. Ladies, same goes for you. You already look good. You go to the gym. Make-up, earrings, and lacey underthings are not necessary. Guys are going to stare at you more than you want already. Which brings us to …
3.
4. Your Sunglasses
As we stated below, the glare under those lights is not that bad. Perhaps you view them as a fashionable accessory, but the only thing stunning about your stunner shades is how dumb you look fumbling for weights that you can’t really see because it’s too dark behind those hater blockers. Of course, you end up taking them off and some innocent bystander steps on them. So, now, your endorphin-charged body is egging you into a fight with the poor guy. Do us all a favor and leave the shades at home. On second thought, maybe you should stay there too.
4.
5. Your Pajamas
What are you wearing? Those thick-ass pants with cartoon characters flatter no one. We are not asking you to look your best at the gym (see #3), but you look a hot mess. The only thing those pants are good for is getting caught in a machine and garnering some none-too-flattering sweat stains. Find another way to express your love of Sponge Bob to the public … perhaps fan fiction?
5.
6. Your Girlfriend or Boyfriend
We have all seen that sweet older couple speed walking together around the neighborhood, keeping each other fit in their golden years, but not all couples are meant to work out together. Far too many times we’ve seen the glazed over look of the young lady forced to stand against the wall holding her man’s Iphone while he does “just one more set”. Too often, we have seen the poor bastard who tries to keep up with his lady on the treadmill even though he hasn’t so much as jogged since grade school. Give your partner a break and let them find their own path to fitness.
6.
7. Your Phone’s Camera App
We see you in the corner, yes you, lifting up your shirt to the mirror and snapping an “artistic” pic of your six-pack. And you, on the treadmill, sticking out your glutes, making that kissy-duck face … don’t. Unacceptable. You need your phone at the gym, we know, but if you can’t resist, then you need to invest in a velcro armband, if only to remove the temptation to capture your cellulite on celluloid.
8. Your baseball cap
You don’t need a hat. Are you blinded by the fluorescent lights? Is the glow off of that greased-up body builder wannabe on the squat rack too much to bear? And, if we catch you snapping an Instagram photo in the gym mirror while wearing your prized fitted, there will be consequences. That brings us to …
9. Your whole crew
It is “gym buddy” or “workout partner”, not “my nine idiot friends from work/class/group therapy.” When you go to the gym in groups larger than three, working out becomes a bro-off where everyone is trying to lift the most weight and spit game a innocent women who are just trying to get their pilates on (see #2). Do us all a favor, leave your boys on the block, and just bring the one guy that you can actually stand being around.
10. Your Supplements
Look, we are all for putting whatever non-steroid in your body you want to in hopes of getting bigger, leaner, or whatever. This is America (unless you’re an international reader, then it’s whatever country you’re in). But, please, please don’t turn the locker room into your own personal laboratory. We don’t need to see green powder, yellow gunk and red pills floating in the water fountain. Stick to H20 and save the chemistry experiments for when you are back in your lair.
